


Regret Remains

by Sophisticated_Dude



Category: Fire Emblem: Kakusei | Fire Emblem: Awakening
Genre: Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Feels, First Kiss, Love Confessions, Self-Acceptance, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-28
Updated: 2018-01-28
Packaged: 2019-02-28 04:39:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,492
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13263873
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sophisticated_Dude/pseuds/Sophisticated_Dude
Summary: She wasn't sure what hurt more; that she was manipulated into ruthless murder machine at a young age, that she tried to murder the Exalt and relished in her supposed demise, or that she forgives her now.





	Regret Remains

Something made her chest cramp whenever she saw Emmeryn. She refused to look at her, she took a path around her wherever she went. Emmeryn seemed a ghost to her, something that ought not be present in the world of the living. She often played with the idea that the former Exalt conspired with Naga herself to mete out punishment for her sins in the form of a living reminder of the torment she helped sow, that Emmeryn hated her so much that she decided to come back and haunt her, that--at the very least--explained how she survived the fall, but would someone elect such suffering as amnesia and speech impairment just for revenge?

Sometimes Aversa _felt_ her gaze, intense and warm, but never turned to _her_ , she never risked what would happen in that instance.

 

"She keeps looking at me, Robyn, whenever I walk passed her...it's like she's _waiting_ for me!" Aversa somehow managed _not_ to rip her hair out, though she imagined it'd feel better than...whatever this was. Guilt, maybe?

Robyn took a deep breath and reached up to lay her hand on Plegian mage's shoulder, "Aversa, she's not gonna hurt you-"

"Maybe not, but whenever I think about her...I feel sick, I start feeling this...chill in my body and I just...I think...I think maybe there's just something wrong with me?" Aversa stared at the floor, for a beam of light poured in from behind her, where a closed tent flap _should_ have been. She knew from the deathly silence who it was, only one person could be so silent as to not know what to say, "You..."

"Aversa, try to stay calm-" Robyn lounged forward to catch Aversa's arm, but the mage spun and threw the smaller girl's balance, then darted after the eerily calm woman who had interrupted their conversation, the object of her pain and...something else, shrouded in impenetrable darkness.

"Why?!" Aversa screamed, her voice cracked and some sharp, unfamiliar pain twisted in her gut as she clutched the light haired sage's collar, "Why do you look at me? Why, dammit, why?!"

Emmeryn silently stared at her for what felt like the longest moment in either of their lives, then smiled, not vengeful or satisfied, proud or condescending, it was something Aversa couldn't recognize, and she had seen many different smiles in her life. The one burning itself into her memory seemed to hold something hurt, but still soft and reassuring. She saw the hand coming at her from the corner of her eye and flinched, but instead of causing pain, it seemed to bring some sort of intense relief, like her hand reached into Aversa's very soul and drew out the pain she felt. It was only when she realized Emmeryn's hands were wet that she realized she had been crying, "It's...not your fault, Aversa."

She tensed as slender arms enveloped her, but after she took a breath, melted into the other's embrace, "What kind of...sorcery..."

"None." Emmeryn assured, stepping back and smiling again, this time more radiant. So radiant, in fact, Aversa could feel her face heat up, "Did you...mean it...anything, really? I...disbelieve it."

"I...I don't know what you're saying, of course I did I think of it all the time." Aversa didn't know what she wanted, all she knew was she needed to repel the former Exalt, though she didn't know why she would want such a thing.

"You aren't as bad as you think," Emmeryn stepped back and the fingers that curled around her collar uncurled as easily as if they hadn't been there at all, "you...deserved better."

Even without the earlier contact the words washed over her with some relief she didn't know she needed, and she hated herself for it; certainly Emmeryn was wasting her time on her, but for all she felt, she couldn't articulate anything sensible. She lowered herself to her knees and contemplated everything she felt. Aversa had forgotten the former Exalt was in the room until she knelt down before her, slid her fair palms under Aversa's darker hands; now the sorcerer was unable to look away from pure-hearted healer's gentle eyes, "Why are you...here for me?"

"You're in pain...but you keep it...to yourself." Emmeryn seemed to ponder at the observation for a few moments, or just very interested in the contrast between their hands, maybe how their fingers perfectly interlocked. Aversa's dizzy mind was tossing out ideas of increasing absurdity, "It hurts...to see you...lock yourself away...in the misery...of your past. Is it because...you caused other pain?"

Aversa looked away in shame, she wasn't sure which was more shameful, what she did or how she's beating herself up about it in the present, fortunately Emmeryn's only concern seemed to be how badly she was suffering, "C-Can you...I feel like you can heal me."

Emmeryn closed her eyes sadly and turned away, "If only..."

"Then...thank you...for wasting your time on a lost cause." Aversa lay her head on Emmeryn's shoulder and closed her eyes, she took that time to appreciate the sage's comforting scent, it was more soothing than a smell of any sort had the right to be. She hadn't been aware of just how tired she was until now, and for the first time she could remember, she felt completely at ease.

 

It was dark when she finally stirred again, and found herself in her tent, from the faint smell seeping into her tent, she determined it was around dinner time, but that wasn't really the most prominent thing on her mind right now, all she could remember was that magic touch Emmeryn's hand seemed to possess. Either that was the best dream she ever had, or the most dreamy afternoon of her life; whichever was the case, she wanted to trap those few precious minutes in an hourglass and stare at them all day, until their collective brightness inevitably blinded her.

She rolled onto her side despite her protesting stomach and envisioned Emmeryn beside her, just imagining her presence was enough to make her heart throb. She heard footsteps in the grass outside her tent and the smell of beef stew practically flooded the room, "Mm, Baby Sis looking out for me?" she teased, certain it was Robyn who dared venture into the room of a sleeping, former Grimleal sorceress' tent.

"I didn't know...you had...a sister here. Would you rather-" Emmeryn fell silent as Aversa bolted up and turned to her, shocked by the unexpected presence.

 _"Speak of the...goddess..."_ Aversa discreetly slid her fingers to her arm and gave herself a few pinches. Yup, she was undoubtedly awake.

"I-I'm sorry..." Emmeryn turned away slowly, uncertain if Aversa was going to rush at her again or go into shock, considering the bowl of hot food in her hands she decided avoiding such a situation was the best course of action, "should I go?"

"No, it's fine! I-I...stay! I mean, if you want...you can stay..." so much for playing it cool, Aversa felt her face burn up again, this time Emmeryn hadn't laid a hand on her. She made a vow then and there to discover why her face was so suddenly warm. That vow would be fulfilled far sooner than she thought.

"Your face...is so red...are you feeling okay?" Emmeryn set the bowl of stew on the table next to Aversa and touched the back of her hand to the white haired Plegian's forehead, "You don't seem...feverish..."

"I-I'm not, maybe..." Aversa breathed, turning away from Emmeryn. It was almost suffocating the way Emmeryn looked at her, or maybe it was just the sight of Emmeryn that threatened to steal the sorceress' breath away? She didn't know, she didn't much care, she just wanted this moment to last forever--as awkward as it was--because with every second that passed, she felt a little bolder, like _maybe_ she could say...something.

"Maybe?" Emmeryn frowned sadly and brushed some messy bedhead away from Aversa's face. Seeing her like this, it was hard to imagine she was ever intimidated by the woman, "Maybe...you feel...trapped?"

Aversa looked up at Emmeryn and nodded, the muscles in her face flexing as she tried to hold her feelings back, "What am I doing here, anyways? Some of the soldiers stare at me like they could feed me to Grima himself, they'd definitely consider it if they saw me like this...I have no right to cry, after the things I've done...I wish I could just...stop, stop being me, stop being here, forget who I am...memories are like I'm watching this terrible woman, visiting the same fate that was dropped on her when she was little, waiting for some sort of...justice. I want to look away, because I know she's safe. I don't want to look at the destruction I've caused and see myself in it, I don't want to remember the innocents I murdered, the orphans I made and say, 'Look! That...that's me! That's what I am!' I feel like if I said that...nothing good would come from it. I wish I could look away, at someone else's life, through there eyes, someone strong and good, and say, 'There, that's me, that's who I am.' I can't escape this...this _Hell_ I made for myself...heh, why are you even here? You're wasting time here, you brought me my dinner, now do me a favor and forget me. Perhaps...even if slowly, everyone else will do the same."

"It's...not your fault." Emmeryn whispered, tears rolling down her cheeks as she pulled Aversa into her arms, "I'll...never leave you...unless...it hurts to see me...if you see me...and remember...what Validar made you do."

"You're right, you know? I see my tainted handiwork in you, hear it in your voice...I've stolen so much from you people, I believe they'd hate me even more if they saw you, what I put you through..." Aversa thought she was reluctant to hold Emmeryn back, or maybe it was just fear, of what, she couldn't say. She gradually leaned into Emmeryn and felt herself relax a little.

"Aversa...I'm telling you...you're not to blame." Emmeryn chuckled a little as she thought of something, "Robyn thinks...I'm getting better...a bit at a time."

"So...can you for--maybe one day, could-" Aversa closed her upper teeth over her bottom lip and squinted her eyes, what she was thinking should be absolutely unforgivable, definitely crossing some sort of line, she had no place...and yet, she found herself desperately clutching the shoulders of Emmeryn's robes. She thought she had accepted her past and left it behind, she thought it would come back in her sleep and slowly destroy her, she thought so many things, that she didn't want to stick around to see how the final war with the Grimleal would end, that if there was any mercy for her, it would be a swift end on some battlefield nearby, she felt selfish even thinking she could get away with asking for more.

"I can't...forgive...for something you didn't want. I came to ask...please stop torturing yourself. I see know that...I shouldn't expect you to...I don't know what it's like. Cold and alone...even here...while I was always welcome...it was easy...because I had friends, real friends, close or distant...open or secret...always people...to lean on...struggle for, goals...to rise to...Phila...Chrom, Lissa, and now Robyn, and you...Aversa..."

Whatever Aversa felt now, she was sure it was the feeling of her heart about strangle itself, she couldn't really think right now, she was too overwhelmed with something she couldn't easily describe, but she figured if she had to say some final words she'd like to say before she choked on the former exalts words, now would be a good time to give them, "Emmeryn...I...thank you. I think I...I think I've been avoiding you because...I don't deserve you, but I want you to love me...I want you head over heels for me, so...!"

So Aversa did the most logical thing she could think of--second most logical thing, first most logical thing would be to bite her tongue--and hid her face in Emmeryn's shoulder.

"But...my head already is...over my heels?" Emmeryn didn't think she heard Aversa right, or maybe she was exhausted, it'd been a long day, after all, "I would love...to accept your offer. You should eat now...if it's not already cold..."

"Do you mean it?! I-I mean...about the first--second thing! Would you really accept my feelings?" Aversa stared intensely at Emmeryn, who nodded and rested her hand on the other's cheek.

"You are beautiful...I want to be...close to you...but you didn't...seem to want me around." Emmeryn brushed Aversa's cheek and smiled knowingly, "I see, though...you have...a more beautiful heart...than you think."

"H-Heh...if you're sure-" Aversa chuckled nervously, when Emmeryn gently instructed the cheek under her palm to follow up, closer to Emmeryn.

"You just need...someone to lean on...trust and be trusted by...I want...to be that person...for you."

"I feel like...at this point I'll just...explode or something...I'm not used to this...insanity?" Aversa admitted, resting her palms on Emmeryn's shoulders.

"I promise...I won't hurt you...or let anyone hurt you...I want you to smile...you can lean...on me..." Emmeryn vowed, closing her eyes slowly when Aversa leaned up the rest of the way, ready to embrace the sage despite their stark contrasts, but as their lips melted into the others, Aversa finally realized that while she was as different from Emmeryn as night was from day, the former Exalt had some she wanted, something important that she was starved for, something that sat at the core of the control she had killed for: Love.

Now she had a feeling she was going to get more than she could handle, a feeling she would wake up as early as she could and find beautiful woman that promised more than she thought she had a right to ask for. Maybe all this time she was wrong, tricked, Validar's final curse; not anymore, she was done treasuring the shackles of the past like a divine relic, Emmeryn had effectively seen to that, she'd salvaged her. Maybe one day, together, they could finally be completely healed, or maybe they wouldn't need anymore than what was there in their arms now.

 

After the war, Aversa returned to the town of her birth in Ferox with Emmeryn. Their they began a new life together, with fewer pressures than what their previous lives offered them.

**Author's Note:**

> So, apparently I like making myself cri. :'^) Also, I checked the wiki for these two and found that their positions at the end are inverse of what they were for the avatar, although, I went there originally for the intent of making an end card for them that meshed well, so I apparently like unknowingly doing cool twists and discovering them _while _trying to search for a way to make a cool twist. *Insert appropriate "yo dawg, I herd* for cool twists as aforementioned **here** , riiight here, thankie much!__
> 
>  
> 
> _  
>   
>  _
> 
>  
> 
> _  
> _Aversa's not evil, but I'm sure after everything that happened, most people wouldn't really see that, or want to see it anyways, but Emmeryn can see that girl has a heart of gold, just like she does! Also this took way longer than it should've, and hurt...eeeeh...about as much as you could expect!_  
>  _


End file.
